Empathy is usually taught as an outward-facing skill: notice the other person, imagine their position, respond to what they are feeling rather than what they said.
That is accurate as far as it goes. What it misses is where the capacity comes from.
In coaching I meet a particular kind of person very often. Highly capable, extremely demanding of themselves, holds an internal standard nobody else could meet. They describe themselves as impatient with others. They are frequently told they lack empathy.
When we look at how they speak to themselves, the picture becomes obvious. The internal commentary is relentless and brutal — a running audit of every inadequacy, no allowance for circumstance, no forgiveness for anything. Nobody could sustain that and have much generosity left over for anybody else.
Empathy is not a moral quality that some people have. It is a capacity, and capacity is finite. If your entire supply is being consumed by an internal prosecutor, there is nothing left at the front desk.
So the work, counter-intuitively, is inward. Not self-indulgence — I am not suggesting you lower your standards. I am suggesting you notice the tone. There is an enormous difference between I did that badly and I am hopeless, and only one of those leaves you able to do anything about it.
People are frequently sceptical about this until they try it. Then something interesting happens: as the internal commentary softens, their patience with everyone else quietly increases, without any of them ever having practised a listening technique.
You cannot pour from a jug you keep kicking over. Empathy starts with yourself.